But I couldn't resist reviving the site when I saw what the fuck LIVESTRONG just emailed me:
It's funny because people use the phrase "post-op" when they talk about transexuals or shemales or dickgirls or whatever! MORE LIKE LANSEXUALS! (You can use that one for free on your message board, blog, or fucking stupid ProCycling leader column about how Lance's return is distracting people from the War On Doping.)
Before You Tube, before even DVDs there were videos, which can now be picked up at ridiculously cheap prices at cycle jumbles for those clever enough not to have chucked their video players out when they became obsolete: Gems such as the 1994 World Championships from Sicily – with the not in any way partisan title "Leblanc Thrases Italians", which would’ve likely got you a few funny looks when you asked for it at the video shop. This was back when the world champs was in August and, as you can imagine, Sicily in August is not the ideal place to run a 7 hour long bike race.
Like most World Championships, it consists of everyone riding round together like its a 3rd cat race, up until some desperate breakaway attempts are mounted on the last lap. Phil Liggett mispronounces all the riders names, backed up by an electro soundtrack that gives the rather unsettling mental image of the voice of cycling sitting in his booth with a casio keyboard propped on his knees, playing electro-lounge as he commentates.
Best of all, there is a noticeable motion blur on the helicopter shots as it pans across the arid landscape, possibly inspired by the limitations of Italian video technology at the time, and equally possibly by the then burgeoning 'Madchester' music scene.
WALTER ELIAS DISNEY: HONOURARY DERAILED HERO, SINCE WE'RE BRIEFLY WILLING TO IGNORE THE ANTI-COMMUNIST TESTIMONY AND ALL THE OTHER HORRIBLE STUFF WE'VE ALWAYS HATED ABOUT HIM :)
He only went and made Motor Mania! As relevant today as it was in 1950! Even more relevant! 10000000 times relevance!
Keith Bingham over at Cycling Weekly has (as usual) been better than us at doing the equal road rights thing recently, so make sure you read his stuff as well. We're just helping out by posting copyrighted material that IPC can't go near. :)
SUPER HAPPY FREE GIFT TO ALL THE COMMENTATORS -- A GUIDE TO PRONOUNCING THE NAMES OF LOTS OF MALE PROFESSIONAL CYCLO-CROSS RIDERS
The cross season is long over, but maybe you can keep it for next year?
Lars Boom - Lars rhymes with Spars; Boom rhymes with Roam (and NOT Boom as in an explosion). Thijs Al - Thijs pronounced Tice and rhymes with nice; "Al as in Al" is all our note says about his surname. Gerben De Knegt - Gerben rhymes with Turban; De Knegt sort-of rhymes with Connect. Richard Groenendaal - Richard with a funny French accent; Groenendaal is Groon-en-dahl. Wilant Van Gils - Wilant is Wy-lant; Gils pronounced like the gills a fish has. Eddy Van Ijzendoorn - Ijzendoorn is I-zen-dawn. Thijs Van Amerongen - Amerongen is Am-mong-er-en, apparently. Doesn't look right to us. Patrick Van Leeuwen - Leeuwen is Lew-when. Roy Van Heeswijk - Heeswijk is Hays-wike. Daan De Jonge - Daan is Dan with a long aa; De Jonge is De Yonger. Camiel Van Den Bergh - Bergh is Berg. Sven Nys - Nys is Neice, not Nice. Klaas Vantornout - Vantornout is Van-torn-out. What has the van been torn out of? Kevin Pauwels - Pauwels is Pow-els. "Colin Pauwel endorsed Barack Obama." Erwin Vervecken - Vervecken is Ver-vecken. Duh. Bart Aernouts - Aernouts is Arn-outs. Sven Vanthourenhout - Vanthourenhout is Van-toren-hout. This also applies to his cousin, Dieter Vanthourenhout. Tom Van Den Bosch - Bosch is Bosh. Think of bish, bash, bosh. Zdenek Stybar - Zdenek is Zed-nek; Stybar is Stee-bar. Radomir Simunek - Radomire is Rad-o-mere; Simunek is Sim-u-neck. Martin Bina - Bina is Beena. Petr Dlask - Petr is Peter; Dlask is D-lask. Martin Zlamalik - Zlamalik is Zlam-a-lick. Kamil Ausbuher - Ausbuher is Ouse-bu-her. Vladimir Kyzivat - Kyzivat is possibly Kiz-i-vat, but nobody seems to know for sure. Enrico Franzoi - Franzoi is Fran-zoy. Christian Heule - Heule is Hoy-ler. Simon Zahner - Zahner is Zaan-her. Marcel Wildhaber - Wildhaber is Wild-haver. Steve Chainel - Chainel is Chanel. Ryan Trebon - Trebon is Tre-bone.
We hope this helps to make your commentary even better :-)
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DERAILED FLASHBACK
OH HOW WE LAUGHED
FLOYD'S LESSONS IN PR: #2 20th May 2007
A COOL GUEST ARTICLE THAT'S MUSCLING IN ON FAT CYCLIST'S FAKE NEWS SERVICE BECAUSE IT IS PROBABLY VERY FUNNY AND FUN TO READ EVEN THOUGH WE STOPPED GOING NEAR HIS SITE ABOUT THE TIME WE STARTED THIS WEBSITE UH OH THIS IS GETTING LONG :)
BY THE SAME PERSON UP THERE WHO RUNS A WEBSITE AND ALSO OWES ME A BEER IF I SEE HIM AT HERNE HILL
Austin, Texas 2008
At a press conference at the headquarters of the Trek Bicycle company, Lance Armstrong and top Trek officials unveiled to a stunned audience the bike on which he intends to ride the 2009 Tour de France.
"Lance had mentioned earlier about how worried he was about hostile reactions from French crowds." Said a spokesman for Trek. "He told us about, back when he won his seven tours, fans often threw water at him and shouted and stuff. We looked at having security run alongside but, obviously that was unworkable on the downhills. So we came up with the idea of a fully faired bicycle, which would protect him. Obviously, a faired bicycle ridden in the regular style would be huge, so we designed it so that he could ride it laying down, which has the advantage of better aerodynamics as well. Not to mention the amount of advertising space available. It’s a win win situation for everyone, particularly Lance."
The bicycle was unveiled to gasps from the assembled press, with both the designers and Armstrong fielding questions on issues of ventilation and how he would see out. However, all questions were curtailed abruptly when a journalist said to Armstrong:
"Dude, it’s a recumbent. They’ve been around for years. Didn’t they, like, get banned in the 1930’s or something?"
By way of an answer, Armstrong fixed the journo with a 30 second long, gimlet eyed stare, before the man was quickly removed by security and, we are lead to believe, has since been sacked by his press agency.
A call to both the Tour de France organiser ASO and the UCI, cycling’s governing body, confirmed that neither has a problem with this design.
"Lance Armstrong is a great cyclist." Both said in a more or less identical statement. "And another easy win for him would do wonders for the sports flagging popularity in the USA."
Lance Armstrong himself was unavailable for comment after the conference, but later made a statement blaming the incident in a jokey but not actually libellous way on the French.
THE TWO GREATEST CYCLING TELEVISION THEME TUNES EVER
WE'VE INCLUDED PICTURES SO YOU CAN USE THEM AS "ALBUM ART" ON YOUR "IPODS" OR WHATEVER :-)
TOUR DOWN UNDER: FEEL THE RUSH (2009)
You know that bit in the Wrestler when he says something about enjoying 1980s music an' t'ing? Thanks to the Tour Down Under, we agree with that sentiment. AC/DC might as well have come into the studio to record this one, it's that good/bad. Download 1.52MB
TOUR DE FRANCE CHANNEL FOUR THEME MUSIC (1989)
We were going to sit on this for a while so we could surprise everyone by using it in a podcast or in a shceme to get us loads of page views so we could sell this site and finally be rid of it, but since it's officially nice month we're giving it to you RIGHT NOW. Unless Pete Shelley tries to sue us.
Download 614KB
HAPPILY SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL: WE'VE RUN OUT OF ANIMALS ON BIKES BUT THERE ARE STILL DOILIES FEATURING SKELETONS ON BIKES TO TALK ABOUT IN 2009, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT MATCHES THE MONTH'S COLOUR SCHEME
A cheerful skeleton riding a bike. Wearing a hat filled with coffee beans and lumpy tits. On a doily.
They're definitely coffee beans and not vaginas. You're not allowed to show pictures of vaginas on the internet.
Saved at a JPEG compression of 7, because we already know how crap this is without having to go to BikeRadar's forums and get called out by 15 year old boys.
THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN 2009
LOOKING FORWARD TO THINGS IS VERY POSITIVE AND WE'RE VERY GLAD THAT SOMEBODY ELSE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS ONCE-RECURRING FEATURE FOR US :-)
A high profile rider will be caught doping. The media will act shocked, then say they expected it all along.
Lance Armstrong will be on the cover of EVERY SINGLE ISSUE OF EVERY SINGLE bike magazine in a desperate attempt to squeeze as much revenue out of him until his comeback goes belly up and he stomps off back to Texas in a huff.
In fact, the monthlies will just stick it all into a special supplement called ‘Lance News’ so that you can chuck it all straight in the bin.
Cycling Weekly will have slightly less coverage of domestic racing than last year.
Vicky Pendleton will appear, posing suggestively, in the colour supplement of a Sunday newspaper.
People from the British Isles will win a whole bunch of races on the track.
Nicole Cooke will win something on the road but it’ll be women’s racing so no one outside of Britain will give too much of a stuff.
Mark Cavendish will say a naughty word live on telly.
Paulo Bettini will put on about two stone.
In an article liberally spattered with the phrases ‘lycra clad’ and ‘arrogant’, a newspaper columnist will call for the public flogging of cyclists for some minor transgression of the highway code.
No. We changed our mind. That Lance email wasn't good enough to make us want to crop, resize, and upload a pile of shitty images we actually forgot to take in the first place because we went to fucking Wimpy instead and then bought a new dress for the girl half of Derailed WHICH SHE WORE TO SLEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN THAT NIGHT OH GOD I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY THERAPIST OR DRINK A BEER OR SOMETHING. END OF DERAILED AGAIN.
Before You Tube, before even DVDs there were videos, which can now be picked up at ridiculously cheap prices at cycle jumbles for those clever enough not to have chucked their video players out when they became obsolete: Gems such as the 1994 World Championships from Sicily – with the not in any way partisan title "Leblanc Thrases Italians", which would’ve likely got you a few funny looks when you asked for it at the video shop. This was back when the world champs was in August and, as you can imagine, Sicily in August is not the ideal place to run a 7 hour long bike race.
