We still love you, even though the only road races going on are the Tour of Bumfucksville (Stage 6 of the TDU was the greatest bit of cycling Bumfucksville has ever seen) and the Tour de Dogshit Alley. Things have been rocky, but we'll get through this together. Sometimes we come home and we're too tired to talk and just want to watch TV, but it's only a rough patch and deep down our feelings are just the same.
And when we lie awake next to you in the middle of the night, we're not going to pretend we're not worried, but it doesn't mean we're going to leave you for some other sport. It's just that sometimes when you sleep you look like Bernhard Kohl and it's troubling, but we know it will pass.
We would like to thank you for making the effort to wear your Katerina Nash outfit during the cyclo-cross season, it's really spiced things up. And now we're sure that when the Omloop Het Nieuwsblad rolls around we'll be able to look you in the eyes once again.
Love from DerailedUK
2009 CYCLING MEDIA AWARDS
WHAT DERAILEDUK WOULD BE LIKE IF IT WAS LESS LIKELY TO SHOW GRAEME BROWN'S PENIS, HAD AN EVEN WORSE NAME, AND WAS ACTUALLY PAYING FOR THE FOOD WE EAT RATHER THAN CRIPPLING US WITH ITS COST
Winner: Blazin' Saddles
BEST WEBSITE THAT WE'VE GOT THREE DIFFERENT ACCOUNTS ON AND STILL HAVEN'T EVEN SO MUCH AS ENTERTAINED THE IDEA OF "LEVERAGING" TO BUILD DERAILED'S "SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE"
Winner: Twitter
MOST TASTELESS MAILING LIST THAT WE'RE SURE WE DIDN'T SUBSCRIBE TO IN THE FIRST PLACE
Winner:
THING WE SUDDENLY REALISED WE DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYMORE EVEN THOUGH WE USED TO LOVE IT, JUST LIKE THAT NINTENDO WII THAT'S GATHERING DUST IN A BOX IN THE ATTIC. ONLY WORSE BECAUSE WE CAN AT LEAST SELL THE WII IF WE DELETE ALL THE PORN FROM ITS MEMORY
Winner: TRACK CYCLING
LEAST INSPIRING ACCOLADE
Winner: WHOEVER IT WAS THAT SAID THAT STAGE 6 OF THE TOUR DOWN UNDER WAS THE GREATEST CYCLING EVER TO TAKE PLACE IN AUSTRALIA
"WHO THE FUCK IS HE? OH, A CHEF. WHY DOES HE GET PAID TO WRITE HIS ABHORRENT OPINIONS IN A NEWSPAPER COLUMN THEN?" WANKLORD OF THE YEAR
Winner: JAMES MARTIN
POSSIBLY PRETEND RIVALRY OF THE YEAR THAT HAD THE TERRIBLE, UNFORGIVABLE RESULT OF A WHEEL BEING PURCHASED
Winner: Lance Armstrong and Alberto Contador
HE USED TO BE GOOD WHEN HE CHEATED
Winner: IVAN BASSO
THE GHOST HUNTERS SPONSORED "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" AWARD
Winner: DAVE ZABRISKIE
HAHA THE MARK HAMILL LOOKALIKE IS RIDING LIKE A DONKEY OH WHAT THE FUCK HE'S WORLD CHAMPION NOW
Winner: Cadel Evans
PUBLIC IGNORANCE
IS LANCE ARMSTRONG:
An atheist? (35,200 results)
A vegetarian? (94,500 results)
Retired? (165,000 results)
Married? (615,000 results)
Related to Neil Armstrong? (639,000 results)
On drugs? (655,000 results)
A Christian? (965,000 results)
Dead? (998,000 results)
A jerk? (4,210,000 results)
Still alive? (26,500,000 results)
Yes, Lance Armstrong is still alive.
DERAICTIONARY
HOW GENERATION SOMETHING TALK ABOUT CYCLING
BUSH'S ELECTION
1. Fixed. "Coming out on the Bush's Election for some Brick Lane polo tonight, Quentin?" "Oh Gideon, everybody's riding tiny ponies these days. Get with the programme you utter cunt."
2. Rhyming slang for a rush of blood to a specific part of your antamony, which can be particularly unfortunate when wearing lycra and racing against junior girls.
DUFFIELD TRAJECTORY
1. The rule by which every cycling commentator, no matter the initial quality of their commentary, is automatically on a descent into rambling incoherence, name-dropping, and horrendous factual inaccuracy. "Phil Liggett's still got it after all these years, hasn't he?" "Well no, not really, but he's certainly been on a very slow Duffield Trajectory."
JOEY DEACON'S BIRTHMARK
1. An oily mark on the inner calf, usually worn by inexperience or bumbling riders.
POLLY
1. A former podium girl who still turns up to all the races.
SPRAY 'N PAY
1. The act of getting an old winter frame resprayed to improve its appearance.
2. When a rider does the Koksijde Dance with a podium girl, only for the act to be later found out by his partner. "Tom Boonen had a Spray 'n Pay at the Tour of Britain after Derailed thought it was common knowledge and exposed him."
TROUT FISHING
1. When you get caught short on a ride, head in to some nearby foliage, pull down your bib tights, and then manage to catch the cable you just laid with an accidental scoop of your chamois. "Put these shorts in the wash, Ang. I caught a trout along the canal on the way home."
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO REINVENT THE BICYCLE – THE HIDDEN CYCLING MESSAGE IN POP SONGS
GUEST FEATURE
Of course there are the obvious songs – Bicycle Race by Queen, Tour de France by Kraftwerk – made familiar by unimaginative DJs at track meetings and town centre crits across the country but did you know, for instance, that Wake Me Up Before September Ends by Green Day is actually a light hearted dig at the Vuelta a Espana? Here, for the first time, we reveal the truth…
Leona Lewis, Keep Bleeding. This fairly self-explanatory ditty tells the story of Leona Lewis' mountain bike; that she purchased only to find the brakes spongy and unresponsive. She took the bike back to the shop where she'd bought it where they diagnosed air bubbles in the brake lines and duly bled them. However, on her next ride there was no perceptible improvement and so she returned to the shop to have the brakes bled again. Hence, the theme of the song. Happily, and a little ironically, she has been able to use the royalties from this very song to upgrade her whole braking system.
System of a Down, Boom. It is a little known fact that the LA based ultra political nu-metal act are huge fans of cyclo-cross, to such an extent that their current hiatus is due entirely to their bass player Shavo Odadjian being in training after being chosen to represent Armenia in the Cyclo-cross World Cup. Five years previously, they penned this single in tribute to Dutch former world champion Lars Boom. It mirrors Lars Boom's anti-doping stance with the refrain 'every time you drop a bomb a (something something) child is (something)', referring to the 'dropping' of a 'bomb' of amphetamines and its awful consequences, as cycling heroes are tainted forever in the eyes of their impressionable young fans.
The Flobots, Handlebars. Like many fans of cycling in the mid -90s, The Flobots followed Graeme Obree's two successful hour record attempts. They continued to follow Obree's ups and downs and found particular inspiration for last years single and its refrain 'I can ride my bike with no handlebars' in Obree's 2005 comeback, riding the national 10 mile championship on a bike fitted only with tribars. The song draws a parrel between the self-aggrandisation of the hip-hop world and the hubris of Obree's unfortunate end in that particular race, where he fell from his bike after loosing control on a roundabout.
Fall Out Boy, Take Over, The Break's Over. Last year, thanks to his friendship with High Road/Slipstream boss Bob Stapleton, Fall Out Boy bass player Pete Wentz was able to spend a day in the team car during the tour of California, where he overheard that very statement on the team radio. Christian Vandevelde had been in a day long break that was running out of steam and had radioed the information to Stapleton, who then ordered the sprint train around Mark Cavendish into action. Although the actual song bears no reference to this beyond the title, in interviews Wentz has often mentioned about how he finds inspiration for the songs of his emo supergroup in the pain and suffering of cycling.
And not forgetting…
NWA, Straight Outta Brompton.
OFFICIAL DERAILED CYCLING KIT
Half-heartedly cobbled together and probably a far cry from how it looked in the moustachioed CEO's mind -- where it just about touched "passable" -- and yet they still persevered and flopped it out in front of whole world despite the finished product being of exactly zero value to anybody anywhere at any time. We can relate.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new Derailed kit. Maybe Footon-Servetto-Fuji will let us have a job lot of them once the team goes under in June or so.
So much awkwardness. Try not to make eye contact with anybody. Just look down at your shoes. If you look at your shoes then technically it's not a lie when your boss later asks what you thought of the kit launch and you tell him that you liked the feet.
SCRIPT EXTRACT: WORLD CLASS PERFORMANCE PLAN
GUEST FEATURE
INT. The tradesmen's entrance of the Manchester Velodrome. The Lottery Commission has just delivered the World Class Performance Plan's annual budget, in a big truck. DAVID BRAILSFORD and SHANE SUTTON are standing in front of a humungous pile of cash, looking a little overwhelmed.
DAVE BRAILSFORD
Wow, this'll take some spending. What are we going to do with it all, Shane?
Cut to a slo-mo shot of Vicky Pendleton rolling around on a pile of money.
DAVE BRAILSFORD
Shane? Shane!
SHANE SUTTON
What? Sorry, miles away…
Enter CHRIS BOARDMAN pushing a wheelbarrow.
CHRIS BOARDMAN
Fantastic. And just in time! We've an expedition heading to Antarctica next week, we've found that we can save 0.4 watts every km by using a composite made from penguin beaks in the bottom bracket bearings.
He begins scooping handfuls of cash into the wheelbarrow, until it is full to the brim.
CHRIS BOARDMAN
That should be enough.
DAVE BRAILSFORD
Keep us posted Chris.
CHRIS BOARDMAN
Will do.
Exit with wheelbarrow.
TRAINING TIPS FROM TON VERSTRAATEN, OMEGA PHARMA-LOTTO'S HEAD COACH
"Speed equals distance over time. So if you take care of the distance and time, the speed will take care of itself."
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT TEAM SKY'S EQUIPMENT?
Sky's famously been keeping the specifics of its world-beating equipment a secret, but we've uncovered some details and we're not afraid to break the embargo! In your face, Brailsford.
Because caliper brakes aren't aerodynamic, the brakes have been removed altogether from the bike. Instead, the back wheel has been designed to constantly rub against the frame in order to allow the rider to naturally slow down.
After consulting leading British road safety experts, Sky have added speed camera detectors to every bike.
In order to save pointless weight from shoes and pedals, riders' ankles will be tie-wrapped to their cranks.
Instead of skinsuits, riders will have the team's design tattooed onto their body. In order to make this worthwhile for the riders, Sky have promised to sponsor the team for at least 2 years.
Increased the number of helmets available to riders by two. This way, the riders have more helmets.
All equipment is now invisible whenever nobody is looking at it.
The kit will look like Saxo-Bank's from behind, tricking Jens Voigt into handing up bottles and chasing down breaks.
An implanted microchip will scan the rider's mind every fifteen minutes for the most inane possible thought, then automatically Tweet it.
Rather than use energy bars and recovery drinks, riders will be expected to insert a ping-pong ball sized "SIS Sports Suppository" every 25 minutes while racing.
In case of a race radio ban, Sky have hired the world's leading skywriters to relay messages from the team car.
A tiny speaker embeded in the armpit of every jersey emits the sound of a baby crying whenever a rider passes David Millar.
REVIEWING TEAM SPONSORS
GUEST FEATURE BY THAT GUY WHO ISN'T ACTUALLY A GUEST AT ALL BUT IT COUNTS BECAUSE HE'S BREAKING OUR STYLE GUIDE
HTC-Columbia
For a few short days, I cradled the HTC Hero in my arms and knew the love of a mother. It demolished even its most impressive rivals spectacularly in all areas, but there was a problem: without the internet it was virtually unusable. And my service provider couldn't provide me with the mobile internet I was paying for. Everything I own is now "in the cloud", apart from my cat, so I essentially had a phone that couldn't even retrieve my contacts and every other button gave me a time-out error while it tried to Tweet that I was eating beans or that I had been on the phone to customer support for an hour. The HTC Hero is Cav and the internet is, like, the lead-out train or something, and no matter how awesome Cav is, he's much less good without it/them.
Team Radioshack
Ah Radioshack. It was called Tandy in the UK, and sold the exact things that a boy in his early teens would desire. Namely, personal alarms we could take to school and set off during lessons. The ones we bought had a pin like a grenade and wouldn't stop wailing until the pin was replaced -- ideal for lobbing into buildings and running away. One girl even told me with a wink that I'd need the rape alarm around her, before running off giggling with her friends (at 13 that totally counts as having a girlfriend). If only Tandy hadn't closed down, perhaps those halcyon days might've lasted a little longer. Radioshack is, to me, clinging to memories of old and a longing to return to them. Perhaps it's the same for Lance Armstrong.
RACE IMAGE OF THE MONTH
2010 SANTOS TOUR DOWN UNDER
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO WRITING AN ANTI-CYCLING RANT IN A NATIONAL NEWSPAPER
GUEST FEATURE
1 The Pitch: You have a column in a newspaper. Well done you. As jobs go its pretty piss easy – you don't have to able to write or even spell as the paper will provide some minion to do all the hard stuff for you. All you need is to be fairly famous and be able to spout about 1500 words of guff on a weekly basis. Ideally, the column should appear 'edgy' despite all opinions expressed falling broadly into the mainstream. This can easily be achieved by picking on the right sort of minority groups.
2 The Target: Ideally, a soft target should be chosen. Nothing that will get you sued or a fatwa placed upon you and – crucially – nothing that will offend a majority of your readers and get you fired. There is probably some algorithm that can work out the exact ratio of readers angered to readers entertained of any given subject but otherwise it is generally best to leave such judgements to your editor as that's the sort of thing that he deals with on a daily basis. Cyclists are an excellent choice: write a column about how you dream of repeatedly running one over in your Beemer in front of a baying crowd and the worst outcome will probably be a few hundred angry emails and you getting gobbed on by every single passing cyclist every time you're stuck in traffic for the next 6 months. In short: you will not be expected to go into hiding for fear of your life. And future confrontations will give you more material for bile laden columns to come. It's win-win.
3 The Anecdote: To preserve journalistic integrity there should be a kernel of truth in your statement. You need a story to wrap the rest of your column around. Think hard: Has a passing acquaintance recently been 'nearly' run over by a cyclist? Did you spot one riding at a speed that you thought inappropriate? Did you draw a completely random connection between the litter in a hedgerow and passing cyclists? Did one call you a nasty name and bang on your side window when you took a left turn? As they say don't get mad, get even or – even better – do both.
4 A Sense of Proportion: Remember, you write for the dailies, for whom the ultimate crime is offending middle England and if a 40-something man in tight fitting clothing doesn't go against everything decent in British society then what does? Society is for conforming to and no effort is too great in achieving this aim. Contrarily, should the Orwellian nanny state politely request that you desist from wishing a gruesome self inflicted death upon anyone that offends you then never baulk from shouting 'police state' in your own defence.
5 Three Words - Prejudice, Prejudice, Prejudice: As a columnist for a national newspaper, all latent prejudice will have to be carefully veiled. However don't ever forget to draw connection between the fact that both the cycling and the homosexual community often share a preference to a particular brand of stretchy man made fibre. Similarly, don't forget certain repeatedly debunked myths about impotence and don't worry about the obvious contradiction of cyclists being simultaneously middle class poshos AND too poor to afford a car.
6 Build a Straw man: It's probably fair to say that you've never met a cyclist; in fact it's probably fair to say that all you know about cyclists has been gleaned from your rear-view mirror. So, from this position of absolute ignorance, fill your target full of other undesirable traits that you suspect them of sharing and then attack them as hypocrites. Again, don't worry about obvious contradictions. Don't worry that, as with most modes of transport, cyclists come from a broad church and do not overwhelmingly come from one class, belong to one race or sex, or follow one particular political view.
7 Call The Kettle Black: As mentioned in the previous point, cyclists are humans that use a particular mode of transport and, as such, behave much the way that humans do in all other walks of life. However, seeing as you have singled out them and them alone for abuse, feel free to draw a connection between bicycles and the very lowest depths of depravity. Obviously, an inanimate object turns an ordinary human being into a killing machine. As you make this point, avoid comparisons with other much heavier, much faster, modes of transport that may also occasionally cause the odd death as this will violate the second point.
8 Its Not Fair: On which note, why is it that a safer form of transport is less heavily regulated than a more dangerous one? Don't we live in a free society? Do not attempt to open your libertarian views out to trucks, aircraft, supertankers etc as, unlike cars, these are clearly dangerous and in need of regulation.
9 Road Tax: As with all arguments, the taunt – 'Pay yer road tax' is a lot quicker to say that 'Its not road tax, its vehicle excise duty and it doesn't pay for 'your' roads as 'your' roads are paid for out of my income tax you fucking twonk', by which time the adversary is about half a mile up the road. Use this to your advantage.
10 If It All Goes Tits Up, Claim You Were Only Joking: As used by every controversial journo this side of the Jyllands Post.
EMAIL OF THE MONTH
THE FINALE
Can't decide if we're being trolled or just spammed.
From: CINDA AUDRIA Subject: Fairy is looking for a companion.
I am lady. I have a black hair with pale shimmering. My eyes is purple. I am not high. I have beautiful neck. My hair is long wavy. I live in a not a big city. I work in food industry. I like to watch ero shows. Representations in the circus. I like horseback riding . I like forest. If you talk about me I am dangerous goddess. Most of all in men I value openness. When I you noticed theater. I right decided for myself that should. Because I can be for you a incredible lover or someone great if you want. I'm waiting.
From: OPHELIA MAXIE Subject: I will be your personal miracle mircale
I am female. I have a brown hair with pale shimmering. My eyes is black. I am not high. I have beautiful skin. My hair is long wavy. I live in a big city. I work in commerce. I like to watch films. Representations in the theater. I like reading . I like mountains. If you talk about me I am naive lady. Most of all in men I value openness. When I you noticed store. I immediately realized that should. Because I can be for you a good lover or someone great if you want. I'm hope that you answer me on my e-mail.
From: GLENN OLINDA Subject: Maybe its our chance lets talk.
Im dame. I have a red hair with copper shimmering. My eyes is brown. I am high. I have beautiful chest. My hair is long wavy. I live in a the capital. I work in public service. I like to watch movies. Representations in the circus. I like going to cafes and restaurants . I like forest. If you talk about me I am mischievous lady. Most of all in men I value kindness. When I noticed you at a party at a cafe. realized that must. Because I can be for you a incredible friend if you want. I'm write me on my e-mail.
Not doing more of these. Maybe we'll start using the sincere emails we get, although if we acknowledge we read them you might start expecting us to reply.
"Speed equals distance over time. So if you take care of the distance and time, the speed will take care of itself."