IAN STANNARD
Oh man, what a ride at KBK. And to think it was only three years ago we were pretending not to care about him winning a race in Liverpool. New man-crush: confirmed.
TEAM SKY
Already done more this season than Euskaltel will. Normally we fly the Ikurriña when the white van men put shitty plastic St George's Crosses on their vans because of football, but Team Sky might have us feeling patriotic this summer.
SHARIA LAW
Tom Boonen might not have won the Tour of Qatar, but he also didn't take drugs or have sex with any teenage girls. The system works.
DERAILED'S SCHEDULE
This month's Floydgate events made us pine for when we could update every day with more anti-Landis propaganda. It's hard to sustain a hate campaign on monthly updates.
RICCARDO RICCO
We're about ready to give up trying to defend the indefensible. But we love arrogance and he rides up hills so fast :(
MATT RENDELL'S COMMENTARY
We tried to ignore the BLIND HATRED we feel for Matt Rendell's old man voice, but his commentary in Andalucia was objectively the worst thing that has ever been droned over the top of some footage of men.
THE VIEW FROM THE FORUMS
ALWAYS AN ENLIGHTENED DEBATE
BillyBelgium
Floyd Landis the hacker faces jail, arrest warrant issued in France! What does everybody think? Full article: http://www.tinyurl/duknews
Tw@
Pointless.
silentbob
WGAF
Grimpeur Quote: silentbob "WGAF"
+1
London Cyclist 2002 Quote: silentbob "WGAF"
+2
Bianchi Quote: silentbob "WGAF"
+100
BillyBelgium
Did anybody actually read the article?!
Tw@
No, because it's pointless.
Bianchi Quote: Tw@
"No, because it's pointless."
Si W
I think its rediculous just like John terry. its not nothing to do with his sport so why won't they just leave him alone to get one with it??
Michael_Rodd (Global Moderator)
This has already been mentioned on page 13 of the Sunk Island Road Race thread. Please discuss this there instead of starting new topics.
<THREAD LOCKED>
PUBLIC IGNORANCE
CAN CYCLING:
Cause impotence? (26,900)
Cause erectile dysfunction? (154,000)
Burn fat? (296,000)
Cause hemorrhoids? (450,000)
Help you lose weight? (1,080,000)
Cause piles? (1,660,000)
Help lose weight? (1,990,000)
Affect fertility? (5,900,000)
Lose weight? (6,120,000)
Help running? (21,600,000)
This is spambot keyword perfection. We expect this feature to cause a marked increase in our Google pagerank, whatever that means.
DERAICTIONARY
HOW GENERATION SOMETHING TALK ABOUT CYCLING
A SELFISH LOVER
1. A spritely young climber who struggles on the descents. "He gets it up just fine, but he never goes down very well." "What a selfish lover."
2. Riccardo Ricco.
CAMERON
1. Somebody who's all talk and no legs. Probably rides a Trek. Originates from David Cameron. "Tommo said he completed the Etape so fast that they gave him three gold medals." "Lying fucker. That Cameron gets dropped going over railway bridges." (THIS ONE WILL NEVER TAKE OFF BUT WE NEED TO PUT IT HERE TO PUSH OUR SINISTER POLITICAL AGENDA SORRY GUYS)
CUNTOURAGE
1. The celebrities, hangers-on, and tiny dogs that accompany any pro cyclist, most notably Lance Armstrong.
KOKSIJDE DANCE
1. The act of copulation, esp. involving a pro cyclist.
MOSQUITO
1. Making a difference despite the odds. From the Johan Bruyneel viral quote motivational speaking sales pitch, "If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room." 2. Being really fucking annoying, esp. by saying nonsensical bollocks like "If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room" in lieu of just coming clean and admitting being complicit in the greatest institutionalised doping system in the world for nearly 15 years.
3. A vampire.
TRISEXUAL
1. Someone who comes out on your club runs who's an unashamed wobbler.
VAMPIRE(S)
1. Those who come in the middle of the night to take your blood. Dope testers.
WOBBLER
1. Triathlete.
STYLISH ITALIANS
Francesco Masciarelli - Workman's mullet.
Pippo Pozzato - Playboy's lip-pubes.
But what would happen if they had a baby?
Their child, Ivan Hairstrong. Apparently.
BORING PRESS RELEASE OF THE MONTH
Riis Cycling And Skoda Extend Their Partnership
08.03 10:58
Riis Cycling and Skoda have extended their agreement so that Team Saxo Bank will continue driving Skoda automobiles throughout 2010.
The partnership between Riis Cycling and Skoda began in 2005 and since then, Skoda has proven to be a very important partner for the team. [Full story]
Click here to unsubscribe
Can't wait for Cyclingnews to translate this to pigeon English and try to make a news story out of it. Very glad we don't need the hits and so can just click unsubscribe to make it go away.
READER PHOTO OF THE MONTH
Now we've apparently completely given up leaving the house to watch races, our new plan is to live vicariously through mascots. Imagine the terrible, horrifying portaloos this monster has seen with his beautiful big blue eyes.
"Cold enough for Yeti sightings at recent Czech World Champ X. Our annual pilgrimage to this grand event resulted in much 'cleaner hangovers' Obviously due to the quality of Czech Pilsner." - Mick
Thanks Mick. So many men. So many backpacks. So many wooly hats and North Face jackets. We're about one 90 year old man eating tinfoil-wrapped cheese sandwiches from this being a typical British race rather than the Cyclo-cross World Championships.
TRAINING TIPS FROM TON VERSTRAATEN, OMEGA PHARMA-LOTTO'S HEAD COACH
"Just as Cycling Weekly reviewed an energy bar during a 30 minute turbo session, so should you glance at the Tour de France route for 15 seconds and ride as though this has given you got some kind of authoritorial knowledge of the race. Victory is sure to come!"
I'D LIKE TO DITCH MY CAR AND GO GREEN: HOW DO I GO ABOUT BECOMING AN URBAN CYCLING COMMUTER?
GUEST ARTICLE BY THE GUARDIAN'S MINESTRONE CORRESPONDENT, DOUGLAS PRENTHALL
Many of us say we want to go green, but leaving the car at home is as hard as it sounds. Often you'll be running late and simply won't have time to not sit in a traffic jam for an hour. Or maybe you'll want to go to the gym to use the running machines and don't want to be tired when you get there. Whatever the case, here's a handy guide so you can be a cycling superexpert who's no longer scared of hurtling head-first through traffic.
CHOOSING YOUR BIKE:
Roads in 2010 are very lumpy, so you'll want to buy a mountain bike with the softest suspension you can possibly find. Every pedal stroke should feel like you're sinking into a delicate soft sponge.
Alternatively, buy a carbon-fibre Cervelo and all the gear. Sure it'll cost you £20,000, but you'll look absolutely amazing riding at 12mph with a black slick of road murk straight up the back of your matching white Assos.
THE TECHNICAL BIT:
When it comes to gearing, follow this simple rule: First, find the ideal gear ratio for your strength and stamina, then add or subtract fifty (50) gear inches. Voila!
APPAREL:
Always wear a helmet. Cars won't hit you if you wear a helmet. But in case the worse does happen, make sure you have an easily accessible bell on your handlebars.
Gloves are important, probably. Make sure you buy ones that are very thick so that you don't have to feel your brake levers when you touch them.
MASTERING YOUR COMMUTE:
Cycling is perfectly safe provided you stay in the bike lane! Don't be intimidated by HGVs who absent-mindedly take up half the cycle path, just keep riding up the inside of them and you'll be fine.
Jump on to the back wheel of any serious cyclist you encounter for an easy ride as far as they'll take you. It's just like getting in to the back seat of a stranger's passing car. And if you think about how much carbon you save sharing a car, imagine how great for the environment it must be to share a BIKE!
BUY SOME CHICKENS AND GO VEGAN FOR 6 HOURS:
And finally, tell everybody about your green commute at all times, and get yourself an allotment. Within a month you'll be making 95% of your journeys by car and shopping at Tesco, but by golly you probably made a difference for a while.
REVIEWING TEAM SPONSORS
GUEST FEATURE BY THAT GUY WHO ISN'T ACTUALLY A GUEST AT ALL BUT IT COUNTS BECAUSE HE'S BREAKING OUR STYLE GUIDE
TEAM SKY
Sky Digital. I came for the Eurosport but I stayed for the Simpsons and Futurama, which were actually the only things worth watching on the damn service anyway. Two special shows in a sea of mediocrity, that somehow managed to justify the ridiculous expense and the shame of supporting something most of my peers absolutely hated. Did I mention that Evald Boasson Hagen and Bradley Wiggins are riding for Team Sky?
QUICK STEP
What I am about to say may shock you, so sit down. Are you sitting? Okay, here goes: I am ambivalent about which brand of pretend wood flooring I use. However, perhaps confusing my awareness of the brand with its quality, towards the end of one winter I replaced the old carpet in a hallway for Quick Step's splendid laminate. It was all fine until a few months later, when a radiator sprung a leak and the entire floor was ruined, bulging up in to the air like Lord Osmo Blatherard's mighty adenoid. I'm expecting Quick Step's cycling team to perform much better in the wet this April.
RACE IMAGE OF THE MONTH 2010 2009 TOUR DOWN UNDER
Not going to make the obvious "look at the horrible rodent holding that kangaroo" joke.
Like pretty much everybody else who doesn't need to sell newspapers or photographs, the kangaroo is absolutely desperate to be as far away from Lance Armstrong as possible.
WHAT IS RUSS DOWNING LISTENING TO LATELY?
LOOK GUYS WE'RE FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH A PRO CYCLIST
Emmerson, Swinnerton and Palmer.
DERAILED EXPLAINED: There is a progressive rock band called Emerson, Lake and Palmer, which sounds like the names of two of the three people Russell Downing became friends with. We saw this and then posted it because our self-esteem is so high right now we believe that we can upload any old thing that takes our interest and you'll think it's a witty observation.
"Just as Cycling Weekly reviewed an energy bar during a 30 minute turbo session, so should you glance at the Tour de France route for 15 seconds and ride as though this has given you got some kind of authoritorial knowledge of the race. Victory is sure to come!"
